Women, Work, and the Crisis of Low-Self Esteem
Why being ‘humble’ is holding women back.
In 2014, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman published an article in The Atlantic: ‘The Confidence Gap’. The article was a culmination of years of research and interviews, and it concluded that a lack of confidence, not competence, was holding women back at work. It turns out, success is not just about doing a great job — it is about believing you are doing a great job.
A lot of women do not advocate for themselves. Whether it comes from a deeply stemmed lack of confidence or a fear of appearing too “aggressive”, women tend to downplay their own capabilities. But to call this merely a case of being ‘modest’ or ‘humble’, would do a serious disservice to its negative impact.
Research recently conducted in the UK found that an alarming 75% of women in the UK say they lack confidence at work. The two scenarios in which women felt anxious were ‘asking for a pay rise or putting prices up’ (43%) and ‘standing in front of an audience to make a presentation or speech (40%). These are upsetting statistics when we recognise that these activities are game-changers when it comes to women getting the financial and social recognition they deserve.
A now famous HP internal report found that women apply for a job or promotion only if they meet 100% of the requirements, whereas men apply when they meet just 60%. And, as someone who has worked in recruitment, it’s important to note that employer “requirements” are more often a wish-list, rather than a strict set of non-negotiable must-haves. By not putting themselves forwards, women are curbing their own potential.
Soberingly, when women do step forward and advocate for themselves, they often employ unwarranted modesty. In Women Don’t Ask, Linda Babcock presented research conducted among business-school students. In the rare cases that women did initiate salary negotiations, they asked for a starting salary that was 30% less than men.
Perhaps women are just more self-aware than men? However, it turns out that female insecurity is often disproportionate. In 2012, research psychologist Zachary Estes headed up a study on the sex difference in mental rotation performance (re-organising 3-D images). Initially, women performed significantly worse on the test than the men. However, upon close inspection, he realised that the women’s tests did not have more incorrect answers, there were simply fewer answers altogether — many women had not even attempted to answer several questions. When he repeated the experiment, stating that all participants must attempt all the puzzles, women’s scores sky-rocketed and they performed equally as well as the men. This led to the ground-breaking conclusion that ‘the sex difference appears to be a difference in performance rather than ability.’ What makes this result so striking is that mental rotation is commonly seen to be ‘the most robust’ cognitive difference between men and women.
This finding can be both depressing and exciting. So much potential is going to waste, but just imagine what could be done if it was harnessed.
Why Do We Lack Confidence?
The imposter syndrome — a relentless inability to recognise that you deserve your success — is more common in women than men. Those with an “imposter” are often more capable than their peers. The infuriating reality is that since they are so capable, they are often far more aware of their inadequacies. As Aristotle famously said: ‘The more you know, the more you know you don’t know’.
Since the Atlantic article, there have been women who have claimed that a lack of confidence is not the issue. Rather, it is that women are aware of the double-standards when it comes to male and female displays of confidence. The anecdotal evidence is aplenty when it comes to sexist vocabulary regarding assertive women in the workplace. From the labels, “bossy”, “aggressive”, “emotional” — and even the more overtly sexist “bitch”. The argument is that perhaps it isn’t the confidence itself but the fear that that confidence will be misinterpreted as arrogance, that inhibits women from exhibiting it.
In her book Nevertheless, She Persisted: True Stories of Women Leaders in Tech, Pratima Rao Gluckman interviewed Pam Kostka, serial entrepreneur and CEO of All Raise, who said she was given the nickname “dragon lady” and criticised as too aggressive. She, however, lets this vague criticism roll off her back: “I won’t apologize for being a woman. I tend to have a direct communication style, which is also penalized in women…Maybe I am that way because I need to be in order to get my voice heard.” Other female leaders say they find a fine line and take a more subtle approach to exercising authority.
Prudy Gourguechon, an expert on the psychology of leadership, has emphasised that the onus for the recognition of female talent should be on the organisation rather than on the women themselves. Fair enough but nevertheless the question remains why do 21st century Western women tend to undervalue themselves professionally?
There have been plenty of discussions about the various social and biological factors that fuel low self-esteem in women. There is evidence to show that children who grow up playing sports have higher levels of self-esteem, potentially due to the ‘pick yourself back up’ mentality. Whereas, young girls garner more praise by being a quiet, polite student. On the biological side, there are some arguments about the effects of hormones and slight brain differences. While these are too complex to delve into here and may be irrelevant to the grown woman, it is important to recognise this: we should not lay the blame on women. There is a whole range of social structures that come into play and of course, there are unfortunately still cases of sexist colleagues and bosses. Dismantling a whole socio-cultural set of beliefs is not going to happen overnight. However, there are some techniques we women can start applying now to boost our confidence, self-advocacy and therefore success at work and beyond.
Do It Anyway
You could read all the manuals in the world, study aerodynamics and centripetal force, but you wouldn’t be able to ride a bike, until you hop on a saddle and try. Preparation without action can only take you so far. A lot of women are victim to perfectionism, but perfection simply takes too long. You may not be perfect for the job — but then again, who is? No one.
A lot of successful people feel undeserving. COO Sheryl Sandberg has said that as Facebook COO, she frequently woke up feeling like a fraud. Similarly, astrophysicist Jocelyn Bell Burnell recalls that when she found herself at Cambridge University: “I thought, ‘They’re terribly bright, I’m not that bright. They’ve made a mistake admitting me, they’re going to discover their mistake and they’re going to throw me out.’” Whilst there, now Dame Jocelyn Burnell went on to make “one of the most significant scientific achievements of the 20th Century” — the discovery of pulsars. Suffice to say, I doubt the admissions team at Cambridge has any regrets.
The point is, insecurity is normal, and only dangerous if you let it stop you from taking action. Farrah Storr, Editor-in-Chief of Elle UK, says that instead of ruminating on the possibilities of her not being good enough, she ‘say[s] yes to everything — immediately.’ She doesn’t give her mind a long enough pause to conjure up excuses. Self-doubt cannot be eliminated and it is inevitable, even important, that at times we feel out of our depth — this is how we grow. Growing pains are a part of the process, not a sign you should stop. Much like the methods used in meditation, instead of beating yourself up for having those intrusive thoughts, let them in and let them pass.
Make your Imposter Your Friend — Not Your Ruler
Farrah Storr goes as far as to say that imposter syndrome is a ‘gift’. At the tender age of 35, Storr took over Cosmopolitan, and for the first time in 16 years, it became the UK’s best-selling women’s magazine. She felt completely out of her depth and unqualified, but said that her imposter syndrome made her go above and beyond, and led to her managing the business better than her predecessor. Indeed, the imposter can push us to do our due diligence in preparation, see the bigger picture and give us a competitive edge. This can explain why women’s investment returns significantly outperform men’s — women do their homework, and then some.
It is good to question things, but it’s not good to let doubts lead to inaction. See your imposter as an adviser, a useful member of the team — just don’t let it be the boss.
Find a Community
A lack of self-assurance often stems from being a minority in your field, which is often the case for women in technology, and for ethnic minority women in particular. Indeed, while you may not see many people who look like you in the boardroom, developing a support network of those who understand the challenges you’re facing can help feelings of alienation subside. Research by the team My Confidence Matters and the University of Glasgow found that for most women interviewed, building a community of like-minded women would be the most useful step in improving confidence. Finding mentors or contacts of women on different rungs of the career ladder can be an invaluable source of advice and comfort. Fortunately, there are numerous workshops, conferences and networking events designed exclusively for empowering women.
Within the workplace, women can rally together to create a women’s network to discuss issues like productivity, work-life balance and self-esteem. Indeed, tactics like piggybacking and amplifying each others’ points have helped a number of women assert themselves, as well as support each other.
Give Credit Where Credit Is Due
OK — so maybe you are not the editor of a best-selling magazine or CEO or a major tech company. Maybe you have failed. Perhaps your skills need to be honed. Surely then, your self-doubt is justified? Think again. A psychologist at Cornell, David Dunning, observed that in a maths PhD program, one of the courses was particularly difficult. The men responded by saying, “Wow, this is a tough class.” On the other hand, women’s responses were more along the lines of “You see, I knew I wasn’t good enough.” The key difference was that men pointed externally to the class, women pointed the blame inwards, blaming their own incompetence.
So, women need to hold back on negative self-talk. Giving time and energy to ruminating on our potential flaws only increases the unwarranted power of those thoughts. Women not only credit their failures to their inner incompetence, they often re-edit their success to ‘luck’ or a ‘fluke’. Unfortunately, imposter syndrome often disguises itself as rational. Moving forward, as Clarre Josa, author of Ditching Imposter Syndrome advises, you should ‘write down all your achievements and look at your career history. If you’ve been successful, accept that it’s because you are good at your role’. Flukes aren’t as common as we think.
Pushing Forward…
The good news is that the research suggests that if you are a woman you are very likely to be a great deal better at your job than you think you are. And very likely to be able to command a salary that’s 30% higher than what you are likely to ask for. So, give yourself a break, find a buddy to back you, and back yourself.
