How to Survive Mother’s Day if you have a Toxic or Abusive Mother
Mother’s Day. A day to spend quality time with your mum, reflect on all that she has done for you and show her off on social media. But what if you don’t have a good relationship with your mother?
Mother’s day can be a painful day for those of us with abusive, narcissistic or hot-and-cold mothers. Even if we recognise that we deserved better there can be an immense sense of guilt for not loving our mothers like we “should” do. Unfortunately, there is still some social taboo surrounding unloving mothers. A lot of people simply cannot fathom it and won’t understand what you’ve been through. So, it is important to deal with this day your way, since no one knows your relationship as well as you.
Remind yourself that you shouldn’t have to be smarter, kinder, better-looking, louder or more submissive to earn a mother’s love. And you don’t have to be grateful for them giving birth or putting a roof over your head if loving you wasn’t part of that package.
Growing up with an emotionally abusive mother, this has always been a difficult day for me. Here are a few things I have learned over the years, that can help you survive Mother’s Day with your mental health in-tact.
Do What Feels Comfortable to You
It feels wrong to gift a toxic or abusive mother a lavish bouquet of flowers or cards titled “World’s Best Mum” — when you know that’s a lie. Avoid the advertisements and others’ expectations and decide what feels comfortable to you.
What are you willing to do? Maybe the thought of visiting her makes your chest tighten, but you can handle a 15-minute phone call. Or perhaps a simple text of “Happy Mother’s Day, I hope you have a good day.” works for you. If civility makes you feel at peace that is perfectly valid. However, deciding to have no contact at all can sometimes be the best form of self-protection.
And, try and avoid feeling guilty about the boundaries you decide. In life, you don’t have to celebrate someone that does not celebrate you.
Avoid Social Media
This is a tough one, but really crucial to protecting your peace. I used to scroll endlessly through Instagram and Facebook at people’s collage-dedications to their mums and inspirational quotes about motherhood, and I can tell you it has never done me an ounce of good. Your friends will survive if you don’t like this one post.
Celebrate Someone Else
Fortunately, there are no rules when it comes to Mother’s Day. “Maternal love” isn’t confined to biological mothers. Perhaps you have a caring mother-in-law, aunt, grandma, partner, even a mentor you look up to or a friend that is always there with a cup of tea and a sympathetic ear. Choose to channel your energy towards those that make you feel loved. These could be celebrities, so flip open Malala Yousafzai’s autobiography or jam out to some Aretha Franklin. I’m lucky to have a super sensitive and conscientious father who I connect with and celebrate each year.
Allow Yourself to Be Upset
It’s okay to be upset, angry or have a cry. I have grieved many times for the mother-daughter relationship I never had. Journal, meditate, purge your tears, call a friend. You may decide to ignore the day altogether, but if you need to grieve, it is perfectly healthy to do so. Just make sure to address it, and then decide to try and move on and distract yourself.
Celebrate Yourself
Providing yourself with some structured self-care can help you ease off the sadness. Since you’re resisting social media, this is a perfect day to create a casual schedule. Cook some top-tier meals for the week, pop a bottle, make popcorn and re-binge your favourite show –do something that makes you feel good. If you have children, focus on them and applaud yourself for breaking the cycle.
It’s tough not having a good relationship with your mother, but you survived and thrived despite it. It takes a certain strength and resilience to even read through this article. So, celebrate yourself — you deserve it.
Onwards and Upwards
If pain and grief surrounding this relationship persists beyond this day, always remember to reach out; whether that be to a therapist, on an online forum like Reddit’s ‘Raised By Narcissists” community, a sympathetic sibling or a close confidant. It may seem like you are alone in this — but I can tell you now that you are not. You will get through this day, just like you have done every time before.
