There’s no getting around it: break-ups are rough. Even a healthy and mutually agreed break-up can be devastating. This is hardly surprising since a relationship breakdown can turn everything upside down. You shared your entire life with this person — the highs, the lows, the embarrassing secrets that no one else knows.
So how do you carry on when you lose the person who matters (or at least mattered) most to you? It feels impossible, but you need to learn to live again. It isn’t going to be easy, and it’ll take longer than you want it to. But in the meantime, there are a few things you can do to pick yourself up and get back on track.
Allow yourself time to grieve
Although grieving is most commonly associated with death, it can be applied to any form of loss. Yes, your ex-partner is still alive, but they’re still gone in a sense. It’s likely that you won’t be seeing them for a long time, if ever. If you do choose to keep in touch, the relationship you have is going to be completely different. They were completely embedded in your life, but now you’ll barely see them.
Going from sleeping in the same bed and making their breakfast to catching up for a coffee once in a while is a major adjustment, and it’s going to take a while to get your head around. So take the time to mourn the relationship that you had, because it definitely deserves it. Although there were lows, there must’ve been plenty of highs too.
Much like grieving the death of a loved one, there are stages to grieving the end of a relationship. In fact, these stages are pretty much identical. The first stage of denial feels by far the most surreal. The second you wake up is the best part of your day, because you forget that they’re not lying next to you. You feel like you’re in some sort of limbo period. Half of your brain is telling you that they’ll come back, whilst the other half is moving on to the next stage: anger. How dare they come into your life and play with your heart if they aren’t going to stick around? Then, you start bargaining. You pray for them to change their mind and realise what they lost. When this fails, you move onto the next stage: depression.
This penultimate stage is probably the one you’ll find most difficult to escape. You’ve resigned yourself to the fact that it’s over, and you’re ready to give up. You’re going to trudge through this stage for what feels like forever until you finally reach the final stage of acceptance. Although it’s the last stage, you may still not feel over your relationship. In fact, it probably still hurts a lot, and you may feel like you’re still in the depression stage. But you realise that it’s over. And even if it isn’t going to happen anytime soon, you understand that one day you will love again.
Invest time in your hobbies
Now more than ever, you deserve to treat yourself. There are plenty of ways you can do this. You could order your favourite takeout, or spend a day binging your latest Netflix obsession. If you’re looking for a way to treat yourself that will help you move on too, try investing more time into your favourite hobby.
You might have found that your hobbies have taken a back seat since your break-up. It can be hard to get yourself to do some yoga or dip into the book that’s been gathering dust, when all your energy has been spent on getting yourself through the day without them by your side. But getting back into your favourite pastime could be just what you need right now.
Your partner was a big part of your life, so you’ve probably found yourself with a lot more time on your hands now that they’re gone. It’s tempting to use this time to curl up in bed and dwell on the breakdown of your relationship. And it’s fine to do this some of the time, especially at the beginning. But you also need to put effort into moving on. Life is going to carry on, so try to get yourself back out there and try and enjoy it. Throwing yourself into your favourite hobby is a great distraction too, so you have nothing to lose. If you don’t have a hobby, or the one you have isn’t bringing you any joy, try finding yourself a new one. Now is the perfect time to try something different, and there’s plenty for you to choose from.
Surround yourself with love
You’ve just lost the person who you once loved you the most. It’s a very lonely and isolating experience, and the pandemic makes it even harder. As much as you want to lock yourself away from the rest of the world, it’s crucial that you spend some time with your loved ones. You need their support right now, and they really want to be there for you. Plus, if you don’t reach out to your friends and family, you may find yourself being tempted to reach out to your ex instead. You used to spend all day texting them and then all evening chatting with them after work. Cutting yourself off from contact completely is a challenge, but it needs to be done, at least for a little while.
So when you find yourself tempted to text your ex, text a friend instead. It’s going to be hard. They’re the person who probably knows you best, so it feels like they’re the person you should be sharing your feelings with. But opening up to your friends and family will strengthen your bonds with them. Soon you’ll find it as easy to share with them as you did with your ex. If you don’t feel like going over the details with anyone, that’s fine too. Just let them be there for you to distract you and shower you with love. It will help you move on, and you might have a bit of fun too.
Spend time with you
Although you’re going to be spending a lot more time with your friends, you’re going to be on your own a lot more too. So you need to start becoming comfortable with your own company. It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship and be consumed by your other half. If your relationship ends, you’re left with a version of yourself that you don’t even know anymore. Take the time to get to know yourself. Think about how you’ve changed, and whether you want to change any further. Set yourself some goals too. Think about what you want to get out of your love life, your career, or just life in general. This will give you a purpose, which you may feel that you’re lacking at the moment.
Try to become more comfortable in your own company too. You could start by taking yourself out on a date. Buy yourself flowers, take yourself for a meal, and remember that you don’t need to rely on others to treat you. Take care of yourself and prioritise your own happiness. And finally, try spending some time in complete solitude. No phone, no TV, no chores to keep you busy. For just a little while, turn off the distractions and get in touch with your mind. You’ll become a much better person for it. And if you end up going through a breakup again, you’ll already know the beauty of your own company.
Remember, this feeling will pass
There’s no timeframe for moving on. Maybe it’ll take you a week, maybe it’ll take you a year. No matter how long it takes, always make sure to treat yourself with patience and kindness. Picking yourself up after a relationship is one of the most difficult things you can do. It’s one of the bravest things too. The fact that you’re trying to carry on after your world has been turned upside down is enough to convince me that you have the strength to make it through to the other side.
Written by Siobhan Kelly
Siobhan is a recent Sociology graduate, with a passion for writing. Her degree has given her experience researching a range of topics relating to the Sociology of both physical and mental health. She has a particular interest in understanding the effect that body image has on mental health.
